Anxiety

I want to preface this post with a couple of things. First, I am writing about my experiences and observations regarding my family. These experiences and observations do not cover all types of anxiety or all of the symptoms, treatments, and management techniques. Second, there is a tremendous amount of material out there on this subject. I touch on only a few medical and biblical points that are relevant to my story. That being said, there is one truth for all of us, regardless of our life struggles: ultimate and lasting peace is in Jesus Christ and not in the things of this world. I will take us there by the end of this post. I hope you find my story helpful and informative. Most of all, I hope to lessen the stigma around mental health issues in sharing it with you. 

This is the story of my blog’s namesake. It was Easter Sunday. My daughter was 5 and my son, Evan, was 3. My younger sister and her husband, who had not yet been blessed with children of their own, were with us. We started out the morning with our annual Easter egg hunt. It was great fun for the kids and was a way to bribe cooperation in getting ready for church service. This one particular year though, everything went wrong. You see, purple was Evan’s absolute favorite color and, this year, Evan did not find a purple Easter egg during his hunt. He was soon in the middle of a colossal, inconsolable  temper tantrum. We all frantically searched. “Where the @#$% is the purple egg?!” Apparently, we had hidden it too well because nobody could find it. Meanwhile, the clock was ticking for church service to begin. Evan’s dad took him away kicking and screaming to wrestle him into his Easter Sunday best. We could still hear him from behind closed doors at the opposite end of the house. Over and over through broken wails,  “I WANT A PURPLE EGG!!” My sister and her husband were dumbfounded. It is a miracle they decided to have children of their own. I think all of us still feel a little traumatized when we think back to that morning.

And that is how it went with Evan. He left the kicking and screaming behind with his toddler years, but he continued to get stuck, even paralyzed, when life threw him for a loop. When he wasn’t stuck, he was a very sweet and loving boy. When he was stuck, we walked on egg shells and catered to him, trying to improve his rotten mood so we could get through whatever it was we were supposed to be getting through. 

When Evan was safely out from under adult supervision, he would gorge himself on junk food to the point of throwing up. He frequently complained of stomach aches. He had trouble sleeping at night and would have night terrors every once in a while. He’d ask me to sleep next to him even into his preteen years. I tried stopping him from coming to get me in the middle of the night when he was still little. One night, when he opened my bedroom door, I told him, “No, Evan. Go back to sleep.” He closed the door back. When I woke up the next morning, I opened my door to find him fast asleep on the cold hardwood floor right outside. Needless to say, it was a very long time before I tried to stop him again. It finally came to an end when he was in 6th grade. He was sick, and I was sleeping next to him. He started into a night terror and, being pretty strong by then, I got punched in the eye really hard. That was the last night I let him come get me. 

Evan was always sick with a stuffy/runny nose, cough, headache, or earache. He would run incredibly high fevers, and the whole family would be awake trying to get his body temperature down fast, calling the pediatrician in a panic, even rushing to the ER. Testing showed he was allergic to dust and dust mites. These are not easy things to manage, but we did the best we could. His allergies kept him constantly congested and ready for any bacteria or virus to hop on board for a heyday. As if all of these things weren’t concerning enough for us as his parents, Evan started washing his hands repeatedly when he was in 6thgrade, especially when we went out. We’d be at a restaurant, and he would leave the table to go wash his hands a half dozen times during a single meal. We talked to his pediatrician, we talked to his allergy doctor, we took him to a dermatologist. We were beside ourselves practically begging for someone to please help our son. But no one seemed to know what to do for him, and so he stayed uncomfortable and discontent. Until 7th grade. 

In 7th grade, Evan started smoking pot. In 8th grade, he started drinking alcohol. In 9th grade, he experimented with psychedelics. By 10th grade, he was taking all manner of illicit pills, both uppers and downers. Evan had finally found a way to help himself! Okay, not exactly. He got temporary relief from his symptoms while he was under the influence, at least initially. But it wasn’t long before the drugs started to make his symptoms worse. His stomach aches got worse, his insomnia got worse, his agitation and irritability got worse. He became paranoid. His hands would shake. He would get hot flashes and break out in sweat. He got arrested. He totaled his cars. He was failing his high school classes. He lost a dear friend to a drug overdose. One night, he came home high on Xanax and acting aggressively. I told him to leave the house. It was snowing outside, and he stormed out without his keys or cell phone, wearing only a t-shirt and jeans. His dad found him later that night. But no amount of talking, grounding, or trouble changed Evan’s behavior. 

We sent him to one family counselor after another. We found a counselor who specializes in childhood anxiety. He supplemented Evan’s therapy with Dr. Edmund Bourne’s The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. This workbook is advertised to give full and lasting recovery from anxiety-related issues, offering skills for quieting worried thoughts and regaining self-control. I think Evan did all of one, maybe two, of the exercises. He did not understand how a workbook was going to solve anything. Eventually though, he realized for himself that the drugs were making him feel worse. By the end of 11th grade, he had stopped using on his own. Our five-year-long nightmare was finally over! At least for a few years. 

I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to feel anxious every single day. I have suffered anxiety but not day in day out. Mine seems to come in bouts following tragic events. I’ve had three tragedies in my life: losing my mom when she was 66 years old, my separation and eventual divorce after 16 years of marriage, and losing Evan to a drug overdose when he was 21 years old. Each of these brought on periods of serious anxiety accompanied by panic attacks. Praise God I have not experienced a heart attack, but I am told the symptoms are very similar. My chest hurts and feels like it’s being squeezed. I cannot breathe in a cloister phobic sort of way. My heartbeat races and pounds in my head and in my ears. I feel nauseated. Irrational thoughts race through my mind uncontrollably. Nights are always the worst. Eventually it will pass. And when I say pass, I mean it will let up temporarily, but its presence threatens just below the surface. Waiting for the slightest trigger or the next nightfall. And the waiting only adds to the anxiety. 

Evan’s anniversaries have been big triggers. His second anniversary was so much worse than the first. I wondered why, but in talking to other parents who have lost a child, this seems to be the norm. I think the first year you’re still in shock and numb. The numbness had worn off by the second year and was replaced by anxiety and panic. My doctor gave me Zoloft. I didn’t have any attacks on the Zoloft, but I experienced unpleasant side effects that didn’t get any better with time. I would wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, my bed sheets completely soaked. I would clinch my jaw constantly unless I made a conscience effort not to. I wanted off of it, and so we tried Trintellix next. The Trintellix did not have any of the side effects I’d experienced on Zoloft, and the panic attacks stayed at bay. But it left me in a complete fog. Once while walking, I stepped into the street right in front of a car. The car slammed on its breaks and avoided hitting me. A second incident happened while I was driving. I realized just after the fact that I had blown through a stop sign at a familiar intersection. Praise God no other cars were approaching at that moment in time. After the second incident, I wanted off of the Trintellix. I had to come off of it slowly and, after a few weeks, the doctor was ready to try a third medication. But I had had enough. It was now several months past Evan’s second anniversary, and I was doing better on my own. 

Then, my daughter had a bizarre accident, cutting her forearm open almost down to the bone. No main arteries were cut, so it was not life-threatening. But it turned out to be an unexpected trigger for my anxiety and panic. The torturous nights came back. 

My son, myself. Two generations. My mom makes three (that I know of). Mom seemed to always be worried about everything. She’d overthink and presume the absolute worst possible scenario was going to happen in every situation. I remember my dad occasionally pushing back on her worrying. To this she would present evidence of all the times her presumptions became reality. She thought that her examples were the very reason why she should worry in the first place. To this my dad would reply, “If you always assume everything bad is going to happen, occasionally you’re going to be right.” And that is how it was with mom. As it turns out, the constant worrying thing is common among the females in my family. So are the panic attacks. We used to not talk about it, even with each other. Now we do.

There is a publication that those in the business refer to as the “DSM-5”. It is the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. The DSM is considered the principal authority for psychiatric diagnoses in the United States. Treatment recommendations and health care provider payments are often determined by DSM classifications. It includes a list of different anxiety disorders. Most diagnoses that have worry as the primary feature are grouped under the anxiety disorder category. The DSM points out that it is not unusual for anyone to occasionally worry about things such as family problems, health, or money. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), on the other hand, is described as extreme worry even when there may be little to no reason to be worried. The symptoms of GAD include excessive anxiety and uncontrollable worry occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and significant distress or impairment in important areas of functioning. Physical symptoms that go along with it can include increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, stomach or intestinal disturbances, increased muscle tension or trembling, rapid breathing, sweating, and difficulty sleeping. Most of these symptoms are spot-on with what I’ve described already regarding my family.

Healthline.com is a popular information site put together by a team of physicians, nurses, public health experts, and patient advocates. They distinguish between ordinary anxiety and anxiety disorder in conversational terms as follows: 

“Ordinary anxiety is a feeling that comes and goes but does not interfere with your everyday life. In the case of an anxiety disorder, the feeling of fear may be with you all the time. It is intense and sometimes debilitating. This type of anxiety may cause you to stop doing things you enjoy. If left untreated, the anxiety will keep getting worse. Anxiety disorders are the most common form of emotional disorder and can affect anyone at any age. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, you’re more likely to develop an anxiety disorder if you’ve had traumatic life experiences, you have a physical condition that is linked to anxiety such as thyroid disorders, or your biological relatives have anxiety disorders or other mental illnesses.”

I have included their description both because it is informative and because they use the term “fear”. Fear is helpful as we look at what the Bible has to say about anxiety. The word “anxiety” appears 0 times in the King James Version of the Bible and only a few times in other versions. The words “fear” and “afraid”, however, appear over 100 times in all versions of the Bible. Many of the psychiatric terms we use today were defined well after the Bible was written. But if you break the diagnoses down into their symptoms, you will find that almost all of the symptoms are addressed.

As I do on just about every subject, I looked to see what my favorite preacher, Timothy Keller, had to say about anxiety. He did not disappoint, and I found a podcast titled “Praying Our Fears”. In his podcast, Keller refers to the work of the late American existential psychologist, Rollo May. (I had to look it up, and existential psychology is mental disorder treatment that is centered around human nature and experience.) May published a cassette tape in 1978 he called “Understanding and Coping with Anxiety”. Fear, May says, is a reaction to danger when our physical beings are threatened. This kind of fear is healthy and is an appropriate response to a real threat. It is constructive because it summons up all of a person’s capacity to act and protect what is important. May says that anxiety, on the other hand, is a deeper kind of fear that is unhealthy. It is not based on a specific threat; rather, it is based on an unspecified threat to our sense of self. Anxiety debilitates and paralyzes, leaving us unable to act or make a decision. It makes us agitated, nervous, upset, and scared. The automatic nervous system is always “on” with a burst of energy for a crisis that does not come. This is not a physically healthy state for us to be in for extended periods of time. Keller adds that anxiety comes when something you have put your real security in, something that made you feel in control, something that made you feel like you had an identity is threatened. He says anxiety is like smoke. Follow the smoke and you will find the fire. And in the fire you will find the things that give you your security and worth. He points us to Psalms 3 for healing. Here, we find King David experiencing both kinds of fear: his physical being and his sense of self are both threatened. 

“O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, ‘There is no salvation for him in God.’ Selah But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.” (Psalms 3:1-6)

David is able to work through his anxiety and move toward peace in the above verses. He recognizes that God often takes us into danger. But no matter how bad things are, God will work good things in our life if we truly follow Him. If we obey Him. Keller reminds us that Jesus Himself was very afraid, sweating blood in the Garden at Gethsemane. He was afraid because obeying the call of God was taking Him right into a tomb. David recognizes his anxiety is because his security and worth were placed in finite things that are gone: his moral record, his family’s love, the approval of his people, and his political power. To heal, David relocates his glory into what is eternal. “You are my glory, and the lifter of my head.” But after all the ways King David had failed, how did he know God loved him and would help him? Keller points out that David’s words in Psalms 3 are the same words God spoke to Abram in Genesis, “Fear not Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.” (Genesis 15:1) David is trying to heal his anxiety the way God healed Abram’s. He knew it was possible, but he did not know how. We know how. “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.” (1 John 4:9) It is through Jesus Christ that we know God loves us and will help us. No matter how many ways we have failed. 

Another trigger, and the torturous nights had returned. Several nights in a row, I cannot sleep. I try reading, but I cannot concentrate. I try praying, but it is hard to focus. My chest really hurts. I try to control and slow my breathing. My heartbeat is pounding in my ears. I think I might throw up. Do I have a fever? Am I having a heart attack? Am I losing my mind? I so desperately want it to stop. Without thinking, I cry out loud, “Heavenly Father, please help me!” You may find this hard to believe, but I kid you not. At that very moment, it all stopped. The only thing different this one particular night was that I had finally given up my control and submitted everything to Him. “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” (James 4:7,10) We should do this daily, but more days that not, I fall short. Way short.

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I am not expecting that God will remove this suffering from my life. Why would He? It makes me realize my desperate need for Him. It puts me exactly where He wants me: in His arms. John Piper writes, “But the painful fear, the guilty fear, the craven fear, the humiliating fear — all such fear will one day be taken way. But only in the way God intends. And in his time. We should not be done with it in the wrong way, or too soon.” Our promise of peace and painlessness is only in life eternal through Jesus Christ. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4) In the meantime, God says to us, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you be name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2) God does not remove the rivers and the fires from our lives; rather, He is with us into the rivers and into the fires. “The degree to which we believe, is the degree to which we’ll be impervious to the debilitating kind of fear.” (Keller) 

Please share in the Comment section below! After entering your comment, simply enter something in the Name field, and then select Comment as Guest. You do not need to enter any other information, create an account, or login. Thank you!