Not My Son!

The first person to mention the word addict to me was the investigator looking into Evan’s death. That word sounded very harsh. Addicts lived on the streets - unloved, unwanted, and hopeless. “Not my son!”, I thought. Evan was dearly loved by many. He was charming, athletic, and handsome. His college graduation was just around the corner. Our family would have done anything for him. He was not the depiction of an addict by any stretch of the imagination. 

I was a hysterical, devastated mom talking to an investigator who seemed to have little, if any, compassion. I asked him why my son had died. He said he’s seen it over and over again in his 14-year career.  He said it is very difficult for addicts to stop using, even when everything in their life falls apart. He told me they struggle to start a new life without drugs, and, many times, they will go back to using in spite of the negative consequences. Our conversation ended, and I still didn’t understand why my son had died.

Evan had wrecked/totaled 5 cars. He had been arrested 3 times. He barely graduated high school even though he was smart. He had major mood swings and irritability. He’d get terrible stomach aches, and he’d sweat and shake when he was home with us. This is what I thought: 

He is not a very good driver, but many young men aren’t. 

He is unlucky. Don’t the police have anything more pressing to do?

He is bored with school like I was at his age.

Allergies and anxiety are causing his physical symptoms.

As for the moodiness and irritability, I thought “He’s just like his dad!” 

I’d tell him it was past time for him to grow up. He needed to stop partying and focus on his future. I took him to one family counselor after another, trying to find one he liked. I took him to allergy doctors and dermatologists. I didn’t realize, nor did any of these professionals suggest, what was really going on with my son. He was not just partying anymore. He was using drugs almost every day. He experienced withdrawals when he was home because it was about the only time he was sober. He had come close to overdosing several times. The first time was when he got busted selling pot his Sophomore year of high school. He had illicit pills on him too but ingested them all to keep from getting caught with them. Evan would be a pallbearer at a 17-year-old friend’s funeral later that year. His friend had done the same thing during a drug bust and ended up in a comma. After a week’s time with no hope, his friend was taken off life support. Evan sat with the mom after the funeral service. She begged him, “Stay away from that stuff!” He didn’t. Then, he couldn’t. 

You’d shake your head if I told you how many times and how extensively we covered for him. We hoped he would come to his senses sooner rather than later. In the meantime, we’d be there to get him through his negative consequences so that his prolonged adolescent behavior did not compromise his future. The most devastating realization in all of this is that, in spite of all of our efforts, we could not protect our child. Signs of Evan’s addiction were right under our nose, but we weren’t looking for them. Denial is a powerful defense when you’re feeling overwhelmed and helpless. David Sheff says it well in his book, Beautiful Boy. 

“We deny the severity of our loved one's problem not because we are naive, but because we can't know.” 

Evan’s dad and I made plenty of mistakes as parents. Initially, we blamed ourselves and felt like we had failed him. In time, we came to understand that his addiction and his death were not our fault. The reasons Evan may have started to use drugs were not the same reasons why he couldn’t stop. We know that we did many things right as parents too. We raised a wonderful young man. We never gave up on him. Most importantly, we never stopped loving him.

Some of you may be reading this thinking, as I did, “Not my child!” If so, I certainly hope you’re right! Statistics tell us that more than half of our children will try drugs. For some, drugs will have no major negative impacts on their lives. For others, the outcome will be disastrous.

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